Tell a joke

[Stone]

This is the thread for when nobody is posting.Instead of sitting there board or moaning on a no new posts thread.Do something about it and make a joke.

I'll start this off (from the top of my head):

A bloke is waiting in line in a checkout when he notices the attractive woman behind him is staring at him.He is startled but gives her a smile."Hi" she says "I didn't mean to stare but I think you are the father of one of my children".The man is shocked and quickly thinks back to the only time he has been unfaithful."Oh no" he says "Are you the stripper at my stag party who I shagged on the snooker table while your mates whipped me with celery and ate cream of my balls?"."No" she says coldly I am your sons English teacher"

Over to you.

[OMAR DAYS]

Scouser rings local paper to place an obituary for his late wife. He only had £1 which would get him only three words. He said write "Margaret is dead". The guy at the paper felt for sorry for him and said "You can have 3 more words. I won't charge you for them." The scouser said thanks, can you write "Margaret is dead, Fiesta for sale."

[Stone]

A bloke walks into a bar where he sees a tiny man about a foot tall on a table playing a beautiful tune on a piano.Startled he moves to the bar where he grabs the barmans attention.

"Barman what is the deal with the bloke on the piano?"

"I wished for him" the barman replied

"Wished for him"?

"Yeah" the barman explained."I found an ancient beer bottle in the cellar which when rubbed will produce a genie which will give you a wish of anything you ask for".The barman grabs the bottle off the shelf and offers it to the bloke."Here give it a go"

The man grabs the bottle and rubs it and a genie appears."Hello sir I am a genie,I will give you one wish and one wish only.What do you wish for?"

Excited the man shouts "A million bucks"

The Genie says "Very well" and disappears and immediately the room is filled with a million ducks.Confused the man shouts over to the barman "Here what's going on here? That genie has a hearing problem.I asked for a million bucks and he gave me a million ducks."

"Yeah I know" says the barman. "Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"


Wow thats a long set-up for a cock joke.

[frednut]

What do 9 out of 10 people prefer?


Gang rape.

[Graicmus]

Minnie Mouse tells Mickey Mouse she wants a divorce.

Naturally, Mickey is SHOCKED by this, and yells "What? Are you fucking crazy?!"

Minnie's response? "No, I'm fucking Goofy."

[Stone]

Q) What does a vibrator and soybeans have in common?

A)They are both meat substitutes

[Scotty]

My wife being unhappy with my mood swings brought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood.
We discovered that when I am in a good mood it turns green and when I am in a bad mood it leaves a big fucking red mark on her forehead.

[Wolverine]

I just lost at Hangman. Didn't know the place name.
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B R _ D G _ N D

[Stone]

A man walks into a petrol station and says, "Can I please have a KitKat Chunky."

The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.

"No," says the man, "I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch."

[Scotty]

Why dont we all just link to sickipedia

Originally Posted by Wolverine

I just lost at Hangman. Didn't know the place name.
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B R _ D G _ N D

I should be offended, but I'm not.

After all, this mass suicide shit has got rid of 22+ chavs from my neck of the woods.

[Wolverine]

lolz @ Stone

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Gestapo.

Gestapo who?

Ve vill be asking ze questions, Jewish scum!

[Stone]

A bloke goes in to a bar, and says to his mate "You won't believe what happened to me today I was taking a shortcut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to the rails. I untied her, and we had sex over and over again, all the positions, everything."

His friend replies: "That's great! Did you get a blowjob?"

"No, I never found the head."

[Wolverine]

OK. This one is just gold. Pure gold.

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden...

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I is sure of eet".

"Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee".

So, with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat you can imagine!!

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Eees a bacon tree".

"Luis, are sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, don't forget".

"Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell of bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree".

And with that...Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within five metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up, and Luis is cut down in his tracks.

It is clear he is mortally wounded, but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath ...

"Pepe...go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo...what ees eet?"

"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree.....

........

Ees.....

Ees.....

Ees......

Ees.....

Ees.....

Ees.....

Ees.....

Ees.....

Ees.....

Ees, a Ham Bush"

[Stone]

2 sanitary towels are floating down a sewer drain when they spot 2 tampons coming towards. Before the sanitary towels and tampons reached each other, one sanitary towel said to the other,

"Should we say hi to those two tampons?"

The other towel responded, "No they're stuck up cunts."

[OMAR DAYS]

Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. He Reluctantly agrees. Next day Billy comes downstairs and ask, "Dad what's love juice?". Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex. Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement. Dad says "So what were you watching?" Billy says, "Wimbeldon!"