Tell a joke - Page 5 - Gawd Almighty

OMAR DAYS · 20-10-09, 04:55 PM

I said to the wife last night, your the double of Kate Moss, "Really!" she says, Yeah I said "she's 9 stone and you're 18 ya fat cunt"

Naitch · 20-10-09, 08:51 PM

Top 5 uses of an expletive in history:

5. 'What the fuck was that?!' - The mayor of Hiroshima, 1945

4. 'You want WHAT on the fucking ceiling?!' - Michelangelo, 1506

3. 'Aww, c'mon, honey, who the fuck is going to find out?' - Bill Clinton, 1997

2. 'I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in the head.' - John F. Kennedy, 1963

And...drum roll...

1. 'We'll definitely win the fucking league this year.' - Liverpool fans, 1998, 1999, 2000, 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010...

OMAR DAYS · 23-10-09, 11:15 PM

A man is queuing at the 5 items or less checkout. The girl in front of him turns around and looks at his basket. He has a 4 pack of lager and an Indian meal for 1. She smiles at him. He looks in her basket and sees a half bottle of Lambrini and a Chinese meal for 1.

He says to her 'you're single aren't you?'. She gives a girly giggle and says 'yes, how did you know?'

The man replies 'coz you're an ugly cunt!'

OMAR DAYS · 15-01-10, 01:36 AM

What have Babestation and the hunt for Bin Laden got in common?

Spend as much money as you like, you'll still never see the cunt.

PAU · 15-01-10, 06:56 AM

What does Tiger Woods and the Togo national team have in common?

Both won't be using their driver for a while.

OMAR DAYS · 01-02-10, 08:31 PM

Fabio Capello called Wayne Bridge today.

And told him John Terry has lost the captain's armband. He's asked him if he can check under the bed.

frednut · 01-02-10, 09:07 PM

What's brown and kills babies?

John Terry's wallet.

JOE · 01-02-10, 10:58 PM

your mums so fat when she fell downstairs i thought eastenders was starting

OMAR DAYS · 03-02-10, 11:51 AM

JT has signed up to star in a new TV show. It's called Other Footballers' Wives.

Ashley Cole was caught doing 104mph in a 50mph zone. When questioned by police as to why he was speeding, he said: "l've just heard JT is parked outside my house!"

The England team have voted for Terry to keep his place in the World Cup squad. With the ban on WAGs travelling to South Africa, no one wants him left behind.

PAU · 07-02-10, 10:01 AM

More Terry jokes,

* After Wayne Bridge refused to play for England while John Terry remains
captain, fans are now urging JT to try it on with Emile Heskey's wife.

* Chant heard at Burnley v Wigan: "Same old Terry, always cheating."

* John Terry has announced he's lost his England captain's armband. Fabio
Capello told him to ask Wayne Bridge to check under the bed.

* What do Wayne Bridge and the Titanic have in common? They both should've
stayed at Southampton.

* John Terry is to release a charity single - it's a version of The Cars'
My Best Friend's Girl.

* His follow-up will be Under The Bridge.

* What has Vanessa Perroncel got in common with a Champions League final
goalpost? They've both been banged by John Terry...

* Chant heard at Hull v Chelsea: "Chelsea, Wherever you may be, Don't leave
your wife with John Terry. Cos he likes a shag, he likes a bit of fluff,
And he'll get your missus up the duff".

* We all knew John Terry liked scoring at The Bridge, but this is
ridiculous.

* Poor Wayne Bridge - he's not even first choice with his his wife.

* Wayne Bridge bought Vanessa Perroncel a chocolate willy... but she says
she prefers Terry's.

* John Terry has explained he didn't mean to have sex with Vanessa
Perroncel - he just slipped while he was showing her how to take a penalty.

20-10-09, 08:51 PM	#62 (permalink)
Naitch HOOPLEHEAD Info Join Date: Jun 2008 Age: 25 Posts: 1,232	Top 5 uses of an expletive in history: 5. 'What the fuck was that?!' - The mayor of Hiroshima, 1945 4. 'You want WHAT on the fucking ceiling?!' - Michelangelo, 1506 3. 'Aww, c'mon, honey, who the fuck is going to find out?' - Bill Clinton, 1997 2. 'I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in the head.' - John F. Kennedy, 1963 And...drum roll... 1. 'We'll definitely win the fucking league this year.' - Liverpool fans, 1998, 1999, 2000, 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010... __________________ 'I'm in the waste management business. Everybody immediately assumes you're mobbed up. It's a stereotype. And it's offensive...There is no Mafia.' - Tony Soprano.

15-01-10, 06:56 AM	#65 (permalink)
PAU Drunk Irish Bastard Info Join Date: Jun 2008 Posts: 1,941	What does Tiger Woods and the Togo national team have in common? Both won't be using their driver for a while. __________________

01-02-10, 09:07 PM	#67 (permalink)
frednut I AM A MOTHERFUCKER Info Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: Lancashire Posts: 1,615	What's brown and kills babies? John Terry's wallet. __________________ twitter.com/frednut I CAME TO MAKE A BANG!

01-02-10, 10:58 PM	#68 (permalink)
JOE 'El Doctor' Info Join Date: Jun 2008 Age: 19 Posts: 1,767	your mums so fat when she fell downstairs i thought eastenders was starting __________________ the hooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooly trinity

07-02-10, 10:01 AM	#70 (permalink)
PAU Drunk Irish Bastard Info Join Date: Jun 2008 Posts: 1,941	More Terry jokes, * After Wayne Bridge refused to play for England while John Terry remains captain, fans are now urging JT to try it on with Emile Heskey's wife. * Chant heard at Burnley v Wigan: "Same old Terry, always cheating." * John Terry has announced he's lost his England captain's armband. Fabio Capello told him to ask Wayne Bridge to check under the bed. * What do Wayne Bridge and the Titanic have in common? They both should've stayed at Southampton. * John Terry is to release a charity single - it's a version of The Cars' My Best Friend's Girl. * His follow-up will be Under The Bridge. * What has Vanessa Perroncel got in common with a Champions League final goalpost? They've both been banged by John Terry... * Chant heard at Hull v Chelsea: "Chelsea, Wherever you may be, Don't leave your wife with John Terry. Cos he likes a shag, he likes a bit of fluff, And he'll get your missus up the duff". * We all knew John Terry liked scoring at The Bridge, but this is ridiculous. * Poor Wayne Bridge - he's not even first choice with his his wife. * Wayne Bridge bought Vanessa Perroncel a chocolate willy... but she says she prefers Terry's. * John Terry has explained he didn't mean to have sex with Vanessa Perroncel - he just slipped while he was showing her how to take a penalty. __________________

20-10-09, 04:55 PM	#61 (permalink)
OMAR DAYS BRUCE! Info Join Date: May 2008 Posts: 5,584	I said to the wife last night, your the double of Kate Moss, "Really!" she says, Yeah I said "she's 9 stone and you're 18 ya fat cunt"

23-10-09, 11:15 PM	#63 (permalink)
OMAR DAYS BRUCE! Info Join Date: May 2008 Posts: 5,584	A man is queuing at the 5 items or less checkout. The girl in front of him turns around and looks at his basket. He has a 4 pack of lager and an Indian meal for 1. She smiles at him. He looks in her basket and sees a half bottle of Lambrini and a Chinese meal for 1. He says to her 'you're single aren't you?'. She gives a girly giggle and says 'yes, how did you know?' The man replies 'coz you're an ugly cunt!'

15-01-10, 01:36 AM	#64 (permalink)
OMAR DAYS BRUCE! Info Join Date: May 2008 Posts: 5,584	What have Babestation and the hunt for Bin Laden got in common? Spend as much money as you like, you'll still never see the cunt.

01-02-10, 08:31 PM	#66 (permalink)
OMAR DAYS BRUCE! Info Join Date: May 2008 Posts: 5,584	Fabio Capello called Wayne Bridge today. And told him John Terry has lost the captain's armband. He's asked him if he can check under the bed.

03-02-10, 11:51 AM	#69 (permalink)
OMAR DAYS BRUCE! Info Join Date: May 2008 Posts: 5,584	JT has signed up to star in a new TV show. It's called Other Footballers' Wives. Ashley Cole was caught doing 104mph in a 50mph zone. When questioned by police as to why he was speeding, he said: "l've just heard JT is parked outside my house!" The England team have voted for Terry to keep his place in the World Cup squad. With the ban on WAGs travelling to South Africa, no one wants him left behind.

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